Screwed.edu
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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