New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
