Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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