Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
