soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
