Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize
