I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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