i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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