God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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