its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
