I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
