Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
