i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
