My liver just broke up with me...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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