I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
