I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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