There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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