girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
