Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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