i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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