I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize