New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
