I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
