I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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