Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
