Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
