grandma shit on top of the toilet
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
