We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
