i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
