I hate your face
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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