he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
