I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
