Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
