How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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