if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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