I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
