he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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