I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
