yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
