So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
They took my balls.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
