i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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