hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
