Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
