my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
