I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
