I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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