two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
