So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
