Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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