ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
