There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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