dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
