Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
