I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
