Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
