I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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