either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
