I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
