she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize