I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
